My soul chose to practice experiencing what it’s like to distrust and doubt it’s Knowing over the last few months. It was painful, it was scary, it was “keep me up at night” confusing.
Yes. A part of me, in service of my own growth, invited in a lot of confusion, doubt, and pain during the Springtime. And it’s done this before.
You may find this perplexing. Even disturbing. But the truth is, I truly believe,
whatever experiences we are experiencing, in some way, we (often unconsciously) signed up for in service of our awakening.
Yet sometimes we miss the memo and then...we suffer. A lot. Until...we feel the burn enough, wake up and then...don’t.
For example, before meeting my current partner, I dated a lot of men with some BIG baggage. They were power players. Playing with my heart, not putting two feet in at times, but most of all, sending confusing signals about their connection with me like I was watching a magic table in the street and witnessing slide of hand games. The strange thing was, I knew all along this was the kind of games they were up to because I have VERY SHARP Knowing, AND I kept dating them. Strange right?
By the time I got to my final turn around the sun of power playing, and did a dance in the ring with one of the biggest power players of all, I realized my soul invited this into her life to master power. Much of my life is about mastering my power. Knowing, owning it, feeling it, communing with it, and brushing up against other’s unhealthy power. In this turn of the wheel of my path, I wanted to finally learn how to exercise true, authentic, healthy power in the most vulnerable human space...intimate relationships.
It happened one night while I sat on the other end of the phone listening to him scream. Yes scream. If you know me, you know I’m not a yeller. I’m also not the type of person that would hang out with yellers. I mean after all, I’m Libra Rising. We live for harmony. And yet, here I was, on the other end of the phone listening to the man I was dating scream at me for….hours.
At some point I cracked. I woke up. I wondered, what the hell am I doing? I asked myself...why don’t I just hang up? What is so compelling about this horrible experience that keeps me...here?
And then something completely uncharacteristic of me happened. I yelled back. Loud. It felt like the walls were shaking when it happened and I found myself agasp at the force that moved through my lungs. And then...I hung up. My heart racing, I found myself shocked at how firm I had been and....that I yelled! I mean I never yell and…I don’t hang up on people.
This wasn’t my healthy power mastery moment by the way. But, it was the turning of a tide. It was the moment that I started recognizing the dynamics of me being the compassionate listener was really hurting me! And that something deeper inside of me was creating this scenario on purpose for something more.
There were more arguments. There were moments of breaking up and getting back together. Of blocking and unblocking his number. Then, I finally picked up what the Universe was dropping. As I paused and checked in with myself one night after a tumultuous conversation, I felt it. My Inner Knowing was asking me to draw some very hard lines, to speak her truth even if it felt scary, and to end it right then and there.
And so, it happened. I found a strange powerful calm of courage in the eye of the storm, picked up the phone, spoke my truth, and ended our connection. I told him goodbye and then blocked his number and never looked back.
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In the days and months that followed, I did some more soul searching about what had happened and found the pattern. I found the long-standing repetition of attracting unhealthy people into my life, not because I wanted to get hurt.
I attracted abusive personalities into different spheres of my life so I would:
Finally have the courage to own my personal power and honor my needs and wants.
Draw hard lines and create healthy boundaries.
Assert, decide, and create the type of nurturing relationships I wanted.
Speak my truth even if it feels death defying scary.
Remember who I truly am...a very powerful and intuitive being.
And...trust my inner Knowing, because she’s ALWAYS right.
This time around, it wasn’t about intimate relationships or abusive people. It was...otherworldly. While I’m not ready to fully share about it all now, what I can say is that my soul invited in a very intense experience for her to assert her power over communication with other realms. It was again, a lesson, a mastery, a course in power and intuition.
We all have these lessons that we are moving through. Callings of our shadow, the unconscious part of ourselves that in moments can join with our intuition to create very magical, miraculous, life altering mystery and wisdom for our growth.
I’ll be writing more about this ironic, beautiful, perplexing relationship between different spheres of ourselves in the coming weeks.
First, for this week’s Joy Tip, I want to invite you to consider, what radical soul lesson have I invited into my life that is currently under the disguise of just suffering?
To spark your sense, here are a couple more examples of my own over the years:
Inviting in non committal men to reappear after clearly deciding I wanted something else, so that I could practice choosing the new thing and fully let go of the old non commital pattern once and for all.
Inviting in clients during my early business days who wouldn’t pay, or pay on time, putting me in financial crisis so that I would learn how to heal my relationship with money and honor myself completely by receiving abundant money in exchange for my unique gifts.
Inviting in Lyme Disease (yes I believe this) to slow down and learn how to REALLY feel what balance in my body feels and looks like with profound precision.
Here’s the thing.
This exploration requires curiosity not judgement.
Shining light on this is not about blaming yourself. It’s about honoring yourself. I didn’t blame myself for bringing in abusive relationships. In fact, if I had done that, it would have continued because judgement and shame keeps fueling our suffering. Instead, I recognized it was about bringing lots of curiosity and love, to look at things with new eyes. And from that new place, I finally stopped attracting abusive people and created a partnership that supports my spiritual and personal growth for the first time. It's not perfect AND it's so soul nourishing and supportive.
Here's a tip. Don't start with something that’s the “The Thing” in your life. Start with something that makes you a little uncomfortable, stretches you some, AND feels possible to hold with a curious and loving eye.
If you're feeling courageous (which is necessary for growth), tell me in the comments below OR direct message me HERE and let me know, what lesson did you discover that your soul has invited in for your awakening?
much love,
Marci
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