Where are you? Where have you been? We used to hang out, but now you’ve gone. I’ve patiently waited for you to come back, I’ve called and asked for you many times, and I’ve even held dreams ransom for you. Why are you so elusive? You sexy, non assuming, one thing I desire the most. I cannot live without you, but I cannot find you. You should know by now that I’m so over the chase and yet I don’t know how to move forward without you. I’ve run out of people to call, ideas to follow, and affirmations to write. Where. Are. You. Call me.
Does this note look like something you would write to Clarity? Sometimes my clarity e-mail, text message, letter would probably look angrier. In the old days it would absolutely include some bad words because I was so fed up with trying to find clarity. Something that seemed so easy when I was young and seemed so hard now that I’m older.
Something happens when you start "adulting." It’s like Will Smith comes down from Men in Black with that magic wand thing and erases our memory. How to get clarity...gone. It somehow gets hard. Tuning into our inner voice. The channels get mixed up. Wait...I didn’t even know there was more than one channel! Don’t worry, we’ll talk about that this month.
The number one thing many of us desire is clarity and the number one way we often go about it is the number way to block it. That’s a lotta number ones that don’t match up.
When you want clarity, focus on where you already have it.
What! I can hear you now...that’s not helpful. I need to solve the unclear problem spaces in my life. I need to fill in those blanks asap. Hello! I’m tired of feeling cloudy, unsure of my next step, and spinning on the same thought spin cycle. Recycling the same five ideas. Or maybe 50. And getting nowhere close to clarity. Good! All of this is very good. Because it teaches us where clarity is NOT.
Clarity is NOT found in where you aren’t clear.
It’s not found in the following lists and stories in your head:
What I don’t know.
What I don’t want.
What I kinda know.
What I doubt.
It is definitely not there. And the number one way we often seek clarity is by focusing on ALL of that. We focus on what we don’t want. We focus on what we don’t know and how to figure it out. We focus on where we are fuzzy and half have answers, focusing on the fuzziness of it, and not the half answer part. We focus on all of the doubts that spin in our head rather than all the areas where we feel asserted and confident. This my friends, is a recipe for unclarity. Wanna bake cloudiness into a cake. You just found the recipe. Wanna bake clarity into a cake, we gotta get some different ingredients.
I was new to my business and running a group coaching program, but something wasn’t clicking. Ok Universe, it’s not this, I thought. Despite shortening the length of the program and changing the price, somehow it still wasn’t sticking. What the heck is up, I thought? After this question came a barrage of thoughts. I did what I know doesn’t work. I spent a long time focused on what wasn’t working. I spent time swirling in thoughts in my head about how it didn’t work, all the reasons why it didn’t work, how the way in which it was unfolding was exactly the opposite of what I wanted. What gives?
All of this focus on what I didn’t want, didn’t know, and the doubts about how perhaps I was going to fail at my business, just fueled a whole lot more...lack of clarity.
Think about it. If you wanted to cultivate love in a relationship, you wouldn’t invest in hate. You wouldn’t spend your time thinking about how horrible your partner is. Or making a mental list over and over again about all the weird things you dislike. You’d spend your time being more giving. Being grateful for what you have together. Noticing the way they smile lights you up. Asking yourself how you could love more. In essence, you’d focus on love because you wanted love.
This is how clarity works. Focus on where you have clarity, find clarity.
How did I turn my business around? I made a list of what I knew I DID want. I wanted depth and true relationships. I wanted to create programs where people didn’t feel guilty about “getting behind” and were empowered to find their own rhythm and honor that. I wanted to make transforming your thinking into a joyful brain easy, gradual, gentle, and fun. Once I started tuning into what I wanted how to get there got clear. I immediately decided to stop my group coaching program. I opened more 1-1 slots to go deep and create life transforming changes in people's individual lives. I scheduled and led workshops where people could engage in bite sized pieces. And I started envisioning a collection of online courses available at people’s fingertips to work through at their own pace with doable, easy, practices and big whopping results. Fast forward to today. My first online course The Unstuck Method is in beta testing and will be launching later this month. I am grateful to do 1-1 deep dive work with sensitive big hearted souls via one-of-a-kind custom sessions that deliver a fusion of mindfulness, energy medicine, and empowerment coaching.
In sum, I found clarity when I started focusing on clarity. This was the critical pivot that changed it all. This is the pivot that ALWAYS changes it all.
For this week’s Joy Tip Wednesday I want to invite you to get clear by shifting your focus in the right direction. Here’s how:
Make a list of what you do know. This can either be in the area where you feel stuck or literally your entire life. Survey all the pockets of good clarity in your life and lap that juice up. Write it down. This becomes the list you focus your thought energy on from this day forward.
Turn your “unclear” lists into clarity lists. Write the list of what you don’t want and flip every sentence into what you do want. For example, don’t want a job where you feel tied to your desk? Then it looks like you might want to be free to create your own schedule. Don’t want a partner that always leaves the dishes in the sink for you? Then what you might want is a partner who is eager to help with housework.
Imagine you are courting Clarity and treat Her with love. Stop the pushing and the clawing against the door of Clarity. She is a gentle being and she doesn’t come out when you’re banging on the door demanding she come out. Imagine that you are courting Clarity and current day you came for a visit. Have you been mean to Clarity? Demanding? Expecting? Do you feel you “deserve” Clarity damn it? I don’t know about you, but if I was Clarity I’d feel pretty resistant to even a conversation with you. To even considering listening. Give Clarity some space. Stop being so hard on Her. And while you’re at it, stop being so hard on yourself. Exercise some softening and compassion for yourself and Clarity. Take a break. Give yourself space. Let go of the pursuit and I guarantee She’ll come out.
For the next day, try on an experiment. Give up your anxious pursuit of clarity and get curious. Bring a fun spirited exploration to your life by making your what you do know list, turning your unclear lists into clarity. Watch how you feel shifts. Watch how your thinking can change just by a pivot in the other direction and let me know how it goes. Write me back in the comments below about what it was like to give up the push for 24 hours and to try something else on for size. I think you’ll be surprised how quickly Clarity calls you back.